Random Synth Manual Humor

[briandc]

Synth manuals sometimes come with a light sense of humor and colorful language. Here are a few quips I've found browsing synth manuals:

"You will need a strong stand to support both the MATRIX-12 and any additional punishment that you dish out." -Oberheim Matrix-12

"..Modern microprocessor technology takes the heartbreak out of finding a path through the electronic jungle!" -Crumar Bit 99

"We advise you to return the switch to the "ON" position (memory protected) immediately after storing new data, to prevent accidents and subsequent nasty surprises!" -Crumar Bit 99

"If you change your mind, and decide not to store the sound permanently, you can abort the storage process by pressing the "COMPARE" button. Cute, huh?!" -Crumar Bit 99

"Pedestrians--and anyone else who likes their hands free--will find a socket marked "PROGRAM ADVANCE" on the rear panel.." -Crumar Bit 99

"By now your curiosity is probably beginning to exert itself, and you may wish to start playing immediately." -Arp Axxe

"Be advised that in the excitement of creation patches tend to escape if not documented." -SC Prophet V


Others?


brian

[Weirdofromouterspace]

Have a look at my sig .

Don't forget to TURN ON THE SYNTHESIZER. Often this is the reason why you get no sound out of it. - ARP 2600

[pflosi]

Not sure whether random Metasonix manual name calling is fair game here?

Not a synth, but still...

It's a guitar amp, pussyboy. But it's unlike any guitar amp you've ever seen.

Because lots of guitar wankers want GAIN, we gave them TOO MUCH GAIN in the G-1000. I've personally seen idiots drive the input of a guitar amp with the SPEAKER OUTPUT of ANOTHER guitar amp. So, instead of pretending there is no guitarist fucknuttery in this happy world, we decided to offer an amp that's SELF-ABUSING. The G-1000 is not stable in all regimes, and it oscillates and motorboats in a variety of ways, depending on the control settings. Just like cascaded amps.

If you want to sound like an old Deep Purple album, you came to the wrong place, shitbrain.

Yes, the swearword filter is easy to fool

[Uncle Screwtape]

Some may not be meant to be amusing, or knee-slappers, but I got a chuckle that somebody felt they needed inclusion.

Vermona DRM1 MkIII:

"This product was introduced many years ago but the DRM1 is still being produced. Why? There are still musicians that do not own this product."

"To completely disconnect this apparatus from the AC mains, disconnect the power supply cord plug from the AC receptacle."

Dave Smith Manuals Regarding how a synth works:

"Fortunately, these days it is quite easy to find such resources on the Internet. If you want to learn the lingo and the basics, just try a search in Google (or the search engine of your choice), something like “analog synthesizer tutorial”. You’ll find plenty of good reading material."

Arturia Manuals:

"But that’s enough talk — plug in your new analog friend, and start vibrating the walls..."

"If you encounter any hearing loss or ringing in the ears, consult an audiologist immediately. It is also a good idea to have you ears and hearing checked annually."

"The manufacturer’s warranty does not cover service charges incurred due to a lack of knowledge relating to how a function or feature works (when the unit is operating as designed); reading the manual is the owner's responsibility."

"Do not use the instrument when there is a gas leak nearby."

[garranimal]

From the Blofeld manual, "Don't be surprised if you can't hear any difference when using Brilliance. Ask infants, dogs or bats to help you adjusting the oscillator brilliance."

The Drumulator manual opens up with, "You can use this manual to line bird cages, as kindling for starting a fire in the fireplace, as raw material for creating paper gliders, or most importantly, as a guide to help you get the most out of the Drumulator."

[Walter Ego]

The Ensoniq's ESQ-1 manual being pretty good-naturedly funny.

For example, re: the sequencer:

"...each time you record over any part of a Track, the ESQ-1 gives you the chance to listen to the new Track, and the original, before you decide which one to keep. Try that on a tape deck."


Also prophetic:

"One day you will switch the Power On, and instead of its usual wake-up message, the Display will read:

WARNING--BATTERY VOLTAGE IS LOW
SAVE DATA AND CONSULT OWNERS MANUAL"

On "Bailing Out" of a program patch:

"You will lose the one you were working on before."


Examples of digitally recorded waveforms:

"Or to use another example -- take a recording of a human voice and play it back twice as fast. Does it sound like a human voice? No. What does it sound like? Chipmunks."


Then, in the same section, a comment about the names of waveforms:

"In the case of Sampled Waveforms especially, you should neither take them too literally, nor let yourself be limited by those Names...for example, if you find that with a certain Program the BASS waveform sounds like a harpsichord, or a kazoo, or whatever, go with it. Your ears are the only valid judge of what works."


There are probably more fun comments buried in the manual.

I guess what I like about it is that it's conversational and personal, rather than highly technical and inaccessible. It feels like there's actually another real person on the other end.

[boreg]

Blofeld manual:

After you have bought your 128th Blofeld, please contact Waldorf Music. You will receive a personal device number that authorizes you to have dinner with our Managing Director. Be sure we invite you for some french fries at our favorite burger company.

[ItsMeOnly]

from Akai S1000 manual

Remember Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will". (The Law of Murphy the
Elder states: "Things that cannot go wrong, will".) Once you've made that perfect take,
there will be a power cut, someone will trip over a cable, or you'll press the wrong button
(we all do at one time or another - no-one's perfect). Seriously, though, saving raw
samples to disk as soon as you've made them is good standard operating procedure - you
lose less sleep that way. Also, if you make a mistake in the editing process, you can go
back to where you started from.

[briandc]

Nice posts everyone!


brian

[fh991586]

Mackie mixers (CR1604 type & LM3204) have nice manuals too. With pictures of their workers!

[super_doraemon]

A gem from the Octatrack manual

[rhino]

Casio VZ-10m rack with AC power cord -

"Caution! Do not attempt to use this equipment under water."

[garranimal]

Mackie mixers (CR1604 type & LM3204) have nice manuals too. With pictures of their workers!

I especially enjoyed reading about the VLZ faders getting dirty, described something to the effect as a "wiper that stumbles across crud."

[Zamise]

[sandwich]

This made me chuckle in the E-mu ESI 4000 user manual:

We suggest you practice cut, copy, and paste techniques on a spoken phrase. Samples of political speeches can be particularly amusing when subjected to cut and paste operations.